I just realized something...

The reason why I still avoid her up to now is becoz a part of me still couldn't accept the fact that there could never be an "us" and everytime I see her, it's like being reminded of that grim fact all over again. Her image is the painful reminder of my failure and rejecton. The stare in her eyes do nothing but tighten the grip of my demonic shackles, heightening my pain further.

I remember a time when I said that I never wanted her to be mine. At that time, it was my other half that was speaking... my other half who had already expected the rejection to happen.

But now... the pain is still haunting my dreams every night...

Maybe the reason why God didn't grant my wish is becoz I never deserved her in the first place. She was out of my league and I think she knew that... And the reason why I feel so wrong and sinful is becoz all this time, after the night of Oct. 14 where I poured my heart out, I still kept on longing for something I never deserved in the first place. When she started avoiding me, I panicked becoz I was so afraid to lose her... I did things without thinking. I acted on impulse and ruined our friendship further. She got mad at me becoz of these actions and so, I was forced to tell her the truth. The truth about everything...

After that, it went from bad to worse... So now I realized that she never did anything wrong. She only reacted to everything I did. It's all my fault and it's only right that she's mad at me right now. It was never meant to be. God knew that I'd only hurt her and He was protecting her from a sinner like me.

Now I know that God is gud but life is unfair because sinners were never given a second chance. Once you’re punished, then it's final. Nothing to do but accept your fate. She was God's angel and I was His nemesis. We were heaven and hell.

The right thing to do now is to just give up and forget about everything. The verdict has been given and my fate has been sealed by the mighty hand. But despite the punishment, I will still continue to change for the better as she encouraged me to. but this time, I will change for the better not only for her but for everyone close to me.